Recently, one of my teenagers completely lost it at me over a new tech rule I’d put in place.

I’d spent ages trying to work out what healthy boundaries should actually look like and eventually landed on a rule that, in their opinion, was outrageously strict.

“You’re making me hate you!”

OUCH!

Now, logically, I knew that they didn’t actually hate me. It was big teenage emotions, most of which had very little to do with me. But still… ouch.

You see, I was theoretically ready to be the strict Mum. The one who got rebelled against. The bad cop. What I wasn’t prepared for was how much I would want to be liked. How much I wouldn’t want to say ‘no’.

What my teenager didn’t see was that I was kind of already doubting myself. I knew our rules looked different to some other houses, and I was painfully aware of how overprotective and ridiculous I probably looked in their eyes. Part of me wanted to back down and make it all go away.

In that moment, it felt like there were two options.

1. Back down, avoid the conflict, and be liked.

2. Put on my big girl pants and allow my teenager to be unhappy with me.

Sometimes I get it wrong as a parent. I’ve been too firm before and I’ve had to apologise. Parenting isn’t about digging your heels in for the sake of it. But this boundary? At the heart of it was care for them. I genuinely believed it was good for them, even if they couldn’t see that yet.

And sometimes loving your child means telling them “no” even when it costs you something.

That felt much simpler when the kids were little. Of course they weren’t allowed to lick elevator buttons- boundaries seemed to rest more on common sense. But parenting tweens and teens lives in much muddier waters. Half the time you’re making decisions while questioning yourself the entire way through.

But I keep coming back to this question: Am I willing to be disliked in order to love my child well?

I’ve heard parents say they “lost” their child for a few years during the teen stage, only to reconnect later and hear, “You were right,” or “Thanks.” Even hearing that encourages me, because it reminds me that teenagers don’t always understand love when it arrives in the form of boundaries.

Sometimes love doesn’t look like a Hallmark card, but it looks like disappointment and conflict and holding firm while your kid rolls their eyes at you.

And sometimes that’s what loving them well requires.

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening, it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)

Written by Chloe Ellenbacher, co-host of The Fresh Start Morning Show on Rhema 99.7, who is married to Evan and mum of three.