In just under a fortnight, on Sunday, September 7, it will be Father’s Day. It will be a time to honour and acknowledge those men in our lives who have, hopefully, been on hand to usher us into the world, raised us in a manner for which we are grateful and bestowed upon us gifts and values to help us navigate life.
I understand that this will not be everyone’s experience with ‘fatherhood’. Some Dads will have fallen short in one or more ways. Some of us will have had an experience of a man we deem unworthy of our love and affection, respect and regard. For some of us, there will be, as always at this time of year, great pain associated with the topic of ‘fatherhood’, be it through the grieving of a Dad’s passing, an estrangement from a father or a man, quite simply, ‘checking out’ of the duties, cares and responsibilities of parenting.
Each person’s experience of either being a Dad or having a Dad will, I am sure, be different. This morning, however, I had the privilege of speaking with someone who is a Dad, a business leader and, in this particular case, a commentator on the landscape of Christian media and family dynamics. His name is Ben Kuijian.
What Ben had to say was originally shared in a blog post on the website for the radio station of which he is CEO, Rhema Newcastle (Ben’s reflections on fatherhood). He then articulated some of his thoughts and insights in a spot I was recording for future possible use on the Rhema airwaves.
Perhaps the most compelling point Ben made was this: ‘fathers’, or those who have a father-like role to play in the lives of others, need to first and foremost, love the other person involved in raising the child, or children. As he put it in his online piece: “On Father’s Day a few years ago, my then Pastor preached a sermon entitled ‘How to be the best dad?’ His conclusion has stuck with me since, ‘love your wife’.”
He elaborated on this point during his chat in Studio B with me, describing the statement as “radically counterintuitive”.
“We tend to think that to be the best dad, I have to do stuff with my children – spend time with them, buy them ice-cream, sit on the couch and hug them – these are all great things.
“But even more powerful is looking after your wife’s needs. Spending time investing in a real relationship with her and making sure her cup is full. It’s a strange principle, but getting that one key connection right has significant ramifications for all of the others.”
Ben’s written and spoken words gave me plenty of food for thought, especially as they came on the same day I had a robust dialogue with my own father about some pressing matters relating to his health. For me, a challenge of fatherhood lies in our ability to also be a loyal, loving and respectful son (or daughter, as the case may be.) As Ben went on to say, in the Rhema blog: “one of the key questions we have to be asking ourselves regarding…direction is ‘How am I leading myself?’”
“As a leader,” writes Ben, “the direction you set for yourself doesn’t just guide your own life – it ripples out, influencing the vision, morale and effectiveness of everyone connected to you, both at home and in your organisation.”
Like much of the dialogue I have with Ben, these words will stay with me. As I count down to another Father’s Day without my own daughter or son to physically parent, I am even more conscious that my role as a father is far from over. Like Ben, I can make choices about where I invest my time, energy, effort and experience. Choices I make today, as with any Dad, impact the hearts, minds and circumstances of those with whom I am in contact, now and deep into the future.
I haven’t always been very good at recognising the ‘long game’ required to be a good parent or spouse. Dealing with the immediacy of medical emergencies and confronting hospitalisations doesn’t leave a lot of time for forward planning and deep introspection. Nowadays, though, I see what Ben means when he says that he chooses to focus on his “closest connections” and “look to God” for his ultimate sense of direction and purpose.
“By listening to Him above all others and following His lead, the other things seem to fall in their right place.”
My father, Frank, with my mother and his wife of 59 years, Cath.
Written by: David McGovern, a trained journalist and aspiring author, working toward the “one book” we’re all told we carry inside us. He honours the memory of his late wife, Celena, his late daughter, Amber Rose, and his late son, Brodie.